In an interview with EMPIRE WEEKLY, a confidential informant (CI) working for The Empire provided us with exclusive eye-witness accounts, audio, and surveillance tapes of an employee proving he’s an imposter. The employee was none other than Darth Vader. The Vader-CI tapes and audio clearly display Vader holding meetings with his colleagues, plotting their next stunt to show off Vader’s Sith powers. The tapes also show certain unnamed storm troopers being paid and collected special benefit packages for their work in the con. Canada responded with “What’s going on, eh?” The Russians, embarrassingly cried foul play saying “We’ve been duped!!” The Russians and Chinese had partnered with The Empire in a multi-trillion dollar contract, enlisting the help of The Empire to train their elite forces to use the powers of the Dark Side of the Force. Later, the White House confirmed by a ‘slip of the tongue’ that they, in fact, did taunt Vader, uttering “.. I guess the belittling and name calling didn’t work for a good reason.” Who exactly uttered those words? The Vice President, of course. The European Union is breaking it’s allegiance with the America, calling the U.S. “a full three ring circus.” Look for more to come in the next edition of EMPIRE WEEKLY..
In a turn of events for galactic peace, negotiations with the Empire will now be put on hold, says the White House. Both parties, many would think, would be a right fit for a partnership for stabilizing their economies, increasing jobs, and population management. However, “after the result of this day’s foolishness,” we don’t expect to see the White House returning any phone calls to the Empire. What could have happened to cause such fluctuation in both party’s stance? One, very troubled, bed wetting Darth Vader.
The White House is reporting that Vader pistol whipped the president, only after having seen that the president was leaning back in his chair, Vader tipped his chair backward, causing the president to tumble to the floor. It seems that during talks, “the president taunted Darth Vader, calling him a fraud,” after sever repeated demands from cabinet members for Darth Vader ‘do a trick,’ claims EMPIRE WEEKLY. “Vader, having recently quit smoking, was vulnerable to emotional attack,” says Darth Sideous’ publicist. Also adding that “The events were unforeseen and most regrettable.” White House officials claim no such taunts occurred and are questioning Darth Sideous’ judgement in having Vader by his side. Vader has failed to comply with intergalactic policy in completing a psych evaluation after a life altering change. While it is public knowledge that his son tries to kill him, his old Jedi pals train soldiers to fight him, and his daughter dresses like a stripper and tries to make moves on her brother, it had remained unreleased that Vader failed to report for his evaluation three times. It will be a wonder what the Empire finally decides to do, with the little orphan Annie.